


Help Me to Breathe

by machiavellianFictionist



Category: Doki Doki Literature Club! (Visual Novel)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Real World, Angst with a Happy Ending, Autism Spectrum, Child Abuse, Depression, Dissociation, Domestic Violence, F/F, Found Family, LGBTQ Character, LGBTQ Character of Color, LGBTQ Female Character, LGBTQ Themes, Multi, POV Alternating, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Trans Character, Trans Female Character, Trans Natsuki
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-30
Updated: 2019-11-15
Packaged: 2020-07-26 02:09:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 12,082
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20036149
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/machiavellianFictionist/pseuds/machiavellianFictionist
Summary: I am fallingI am fadingI am drowningHelp me to breatheI am hurtingI have lost it allI am losingHelp me to breatheBôa - DuvetOne morning, when Monika woke from troubled dreams, she found herself in the place she least expected to be. Inspired bythis fanartbyVnixxiR.





	1. Chapter 1

Monika saw an annoying girl running towards her from the distance, waving her arms in the air like she was totally oblivious to any attention she might draw to herself. That girl was Sayori, her neighbour and good friend since they were children.

"That's... not right."

Monika spoke to herself, out loud, barely audibly. A chill ran down her spine. She wasn't supposed to be there. Her place was at the school, waiting to meet the protagonist after class.

So why was she waiting for Sayori on the street?

They used to walk to school together every day, but starting around high school Sayori would oversleep more and more frequently.

Those were the memories that she had. Meeting in elementary school, growing up together through middle school and getting into the same high school. Sayori being late once in a while, then nearly every day, then every day.

So why did it all feel so alien to her?

Monika sighed and idled in front of the crosswalk and let Sayori catch up to her. Eventually.

In just a few more moments.

Monika finally took pity on her and started walking to meet her halfway.

"Haaahh... haaahh... I overslept again! But I caught you this time!"

Sayori had to stop for a while to catch her breath, bent over with her hands on her knees.

"I wouldn't say you caught me as much as I decided to wait for you."

"Eeehhhh, you say that like you were thinking about ignoring me! That's mean, Monika!"

"W-what? No, I wouldn't do something like that."

"Well, you've walked off without me before a couple times..."

That was true, Monika remembered. Many times in the past she'd gotten tired of waiting for her once she started being late. But how could she do that, knowing just how hard it was for Sayori to even get out of bed in the morning? How could anyone be so cruel?

"Uhhh, Monika? Are you okay? You look really... off today. Did you stay up late last night?"

"Eh? Oh, no, it's nothing! I'm fine, there's nothing wrong."

But there was something wrong. Monika remembered clearly that she was a character written into a visual novel to be the president of the Literature Club. She knew Sayori was written to be the protagonist's childhood friend. She knew two more characters waited for them at school. She knew of the problems that haunted them.

Yet she also knew she herself was Sayori's dear best friend. They'd known each other for years and made a habit of walking to school together, with Monika herself being completely unaware of how tortured Sayori's existence was.

These two sets of memories couldn't coexist. And yet they did.

"Mmm... if you say so..."

Sayori didn't look convinced, but she seemed to be willing to let it go. Standing up straight again, she replaced the look of concern she was giving her with a smile.

"I'm glad you waited for me, in any case. I guess you can't find it in you to be mean, even if you wanted to. Come on, you don't want to be late, do you?"

The two girls crossed the street together and made their way to school.

Monika took this brief moment of silence to contemplate her contradictory situation. This was supposed to be a story with a set number of predetermined choices. The characters were meant to follow the script and stick to their assigned role in the narrative.

She knew very well that her role was that of a guiding mentor of sorts. Little more than a glorified tutorial. A character there to introduce the reader to the club and guide them towards the girl of their choice.

That was the ultimate goal of the narrative. For the player to choose a girl and have the protagonist romance her. It was all they were, in the end, just sexualized idealizations of common fiction tropes for the reader to admire and pursue. Except for Monika herself, of course, who wasn't even an option in that regard.

Why then did she find herself in the role of the protagonist? And where was this player who was meant to direct her choices? She knew she should be able to feel where they were looking from, even if she herself couldn't see them, but she felt nothing. Around her were just buildings, other commuting students and the blue sky.

And Sayori, walking silently besides her with a smile on her face. She turned towards Monika and her smile grew even wider.

"By the way, Monika, have you decided on a club to join yet?"

"Huh? A club?"

She was already in the Literature Club, wasn't she? She was the president, even.

"Monika! You told me you'd look for a new club! It's been weeks since you quit the Debate Club..."

"You're... right."

She remembered it clear as day. She had been vice-president of the Debate Club, but quit after she got tired of all the politics. It was getting too big for her anyway. As much as she enjoyed the popularity being a top student brought her, she had to admit she didn't quite enjoy spending time with huge groups of people.

"Seriously, you barely ever interact with anyone outside of school activities!"

"That's not true! I've been in a few study groups lately..."

"That's basically homework, that doesn't count! I was just telling you how important it is to learn how to socialize or have interests of your own. I know how much your grades matter to you, but your happiness is really important to me, you know?"

Monika had to look away, a bit embarrassed. It was hard to disagree with Sayori when she said stuff like that. And she did have a point. Even joining the Debate Club was more about improving her status as a student than about actually enjoying it.

"You trust me, right, Monika? Don't make me keep worrying about you."

Sayori was relentless.

"Alright, alright... I'll look at a few clubs if it makes you happy."

"Yaaay!"

In any other context it would have been hard for Monika to imagine herself being lectured by such a carefree girl. But that was really something intrinsic to Sayori. If she was ever serious about anything, it was the well-being and happiness of her friends.

Which just made it harder for Monika to understand how Sayori could have so much trouble turning that same viewpoint towards herself.

* * *

Being aware of the fact that she was indeed a fictional character in a novel entirely revolving around the Literature Club, Monika felt it was reasonable to expect her day to somehow flash forward straight to the end of the school day. It was therefore to her surprise when upon arriving at school she had to actually sit through homeroom and endless hours of class.

It wasn't too surprising, though. After all, she remembered going to class every day, meeting the other students, turning in her homework, taking notes and even tutoring other students.

Mercifully she soon realized most of the teachers limited themselves to following the textbooks with little to no deviations. Not only that, but she had already prepared detailed notes as far as two days in advance on all her subjects.

Maybe Sayori was right. She was spending way more time than was necessary on her studies.

She wasn't complaining, however. It all worked in her favor.

She opened her notebook at the right page and pulled a small notepad from her bag. In her neat and small handwriting, she started laying out everything she knew about her current situation. When she needed a moment to think she stared blankly at the chalkboard, to at least give the impression that she was paying attention.

In a few minutes she had a concise list. She started clicking on her pen rhythmically as she went over them one by one.

Monika knew herself and her three friends were fictional characters in a visual novel, specifically of the dating sim variety.

Each of them had a set of character traits, a backstory, and a role to play. Her friends' role was that of romantic interests to be pursued. Monika herself had the role of a guide to help the protagonist in said pursuit.

The protagonist of the story was a boy of their same age. This boy was Sayori's childhood friend, walked to school with her every morning, had no other close acquaintances and would eventually join the Literature Club.

This protagonist, although he had a personality of sorts, was ultimately meant to act as a vessel for the player on the other side of the screen.

Because, lest she forget, none of them were strictly real. Not even her.

Lastly, she had somehow suddenly found herself in the shoes of this protagonist at the start of their scripted story, with no player in sight.

Not only that, but she had a complete set of memories involving Sayori, stretching all the way back to elementary school. How far were real people supposed to remember anyway?

She stopped clicking her pen.

Wouldn't it also be reasonable to think of it as Monika living a normal school life up to that very morning, where she was suddenly inflicted with the memories of being a fictional character?

A chill ran down her spine. For a moment she felt almost alien in her own body. Her limbs felt stiff and heavy.

Was she once a normal girl who suddenly was made aware of the unreality of her existence? Was she a fictional character suddenly thrust into the position of a normal highschool student? Did it even change anything either way?

"Ah, yes, Monika!"

She was so startled she nearly dropped her pen, but she managed to maintain her composure, hopefully without raising suspicion. She saw her teacher staring back at her with a tired but hopeful look in her face.

"What can you tell us about the French philosopher René Decartes?"

She smiled back at her and stood up. Fictional or not, she still had a character to uphold. It wouldn't do for model student Monika to be incapable of answering such a simple question.

"Rénee Descartes was born in the Kingdom of France near the end of the sixteenth century. He spent most of his adult life in the Dutch Republic and was part of the Dutch Golden Age. He's most famous for philosophical proposition 'I think, therefore I am,' or in Latin, 'cogito, ergo sum.'"

All of this was fairly standard trivia about Decartes. But of course, it wouldn't do for her to do anything but excel.

"He later explained this idea by saying that we cannot doubt of our existence while we doubt. For the thought of doubt to exist, there must be a real thinking entity. While our senses may deceive us and all knowledge can be doubted, the fact that we are thinking is by itself proof that we ourselves... in fact... are real."

She stood there for what seemed like minutes. Her teacher thankfully didn't seem to notice her hesitation and merely thanked her and turned back towards the chalkboard.

Monika sat back down slowly. She knew living your life according to the work of some guy who lived hundreds of years ago and based most of his philosophy on hallucinations really wasn't a very good idea. Still, she had to admit that the man had a point.

Regardless of her circumstances, Monika was capable of thinking. Therefore, she was real. At least real enough to be able to worry about her own existence.

Being able to hold onto that as a certainty gave her some relief.

She looked over her notes once again. She had to think about her situation critically. Even though both sets of memories existed in her mind at the same time, her current reality seemed to follow that of a normal high school girl. If she could allow herself to trust her senses on this, it would probably be safest to consider this her real life.

This of course still didn't explain why she thought all of this was just part of a fictional story, or even disprove this theory. She would need to look into that.

She wielded her pen once again.

Three constants existed between the two realities. These were Sayori, Yuri and Natsuki. All of them were members of the Literature Club. She circled Sayori's name. She would have to speak with her again if she wanted to get anywhere with her possibly meaningless investigation.

She went back to idly clicking her pen until the bell signaled the end of class.

* * *

In no time, the classroom was empty except for Monika herself.

Her thoughts went back to the incongruent memories from earlier in the day. Monika had every proof that her old memories, the ones where Sayori and herself grew up together, to be real. She couldn't say for certain, however, that the same was true for her second set of memories, as she liked to think of them.

The alternative was too uncomfortable to consider.

It was true Sayori had been consistently late since starting high school. This didn't necessarily mean she had depression, as her new memories suggested. It could simply mean her sleeping habits had gotten worse and she kept oversleeping.

If this was the case, it would also rule out everything else she now suddenly knew about her other friends. The problems Natsuki had at home, or Yuri's habits. She knew they were real people, she'd at least seen Yuri around at school, but she couldn't remember ever talking to them much if at all. Come to think of it, she couldn't remember ever actually meeting Natsuki. And yet she knew what each of their personalities were like, and even some very personal secrets.

Assuming her new memories were real, of course.

But just thinking about it wouldn't do her any good. She needed to somehow disprove her second set of memories if she wanted to get any peace of mind.

And the first step in doing that would be walking in at any second-

"Hellooo?"

Monika nearly jumped off her seat as Sayori started waving one hand in front of her.

"Sayori! Y-you startled me!"

Sayori took a step back. For half a second, Monika could have sworn there was a look of oddly genuine guilt on her face. It was gone just as fast and replaced with a smile.

"I thought I'd catch you coming out of the classroom, but I saw you just sitting here and spacing out, so I came in."

It took Monika a moment to recover. It wasn't just Sayori startling her, but also the realization that she apparently was correct in expecting her to come for her.

"Monika? Are you sure you're okay?"

"Huh?"

"You've been acting distracted all day, even more than usual. Honestly, you're even worse than me sometimes... I'm impressed!"

"It's nothing, I was just... thinking."

Sayori blinked at her and stared.

"Thinking about... what club you're going to join?"

"Yes! That's right!"

Monika grasped at the lifeline she was being offered. As much of a good friend Sayori was, it was probably too early to tell her about her sudden thoughts of their life being no more than a glorified computer simulation.

"Well, you did say you'd look for one. I'm happy to see you so committed to it! Have you figured out which club you're going to join already?"

Monika hadn't, of course. She remembered considering the light music club rather seriously. She could play a bit of piano and knew the basics of music theory, after all.

Sayori was staring intently at her, with an impish smile on her face.

"You sure look like you want to say something."

"Well... I thought you may need a bit of encouragement... so I have a surprise for you!"

"Oh?"

This was new.

"Since you told me you were tired of all the politics and drama of your old club, I thought maybe you'd want to join a smaller one. And I've wanted to do it since a while back anyway so..."

"You started your own club?"

"I started my own club! The Literature Club!"

This was entirely new. All her theories were debunked.

"So I thought, you know..."

"... that I could come to your club?"

"Yeah!"

If Sayori was the club president, what did this say about her memories? Monika was supposed to be the president and founder, with Sayori as her co-founder. Of course, as much as she knew this, she had no recollection of actually founding the club.

If she wanted to know more, she'd have to play along.

"I would come, at least to have a look."

"Ah... just a look?"

"Do you want me to join without even setting foot in it first?"

"No! Well... I may have already told the others you were already part of the club."

"What?"

"I mean, I didn't think they'd want to join a club with only one member in it! I at least needed to have a vice-president with me..."

Monika could almost laugh. Not only was Sayori the president now, but she herself was taking the role she knew Sayori was supposed to have.

"How many more members do you have, anyway?"

"Well... not counting us there's... two."

That'd be Yuri and Natsuki, if she had to guess.

Monika remembered seeing Yuri around school once or twice, though she never bothered trying to talk to her. She mostly kept to herself, with her nose buried deep in some book with an ominous cover. Monika had no memory of meeting Natsuki outside of her strange new memories.

"And with the minimum amount of members to be considered an official club being four, that means without me you're left with no club..."

"Ehehe..."

Even if she sometimes thought of Sayori as an airhead, Monika had to admit she'd have to be pretty cunning to come up with a trap like this for her. She had half a mind to give her some playful scolding.

But for a moment, she saw something in Sayori's eyes. The same oddly pained expression she saw earlier that day. It gave her pause.

"Well, I guess there's no use playing hard to get. Shall we head over to our clubroom, president?"

"Yes! Let's go!"

And so Monika followed Sayori, who walked her across the school and upstairs with a shining smile on her face. If she was being honest, it made Monika feel good to know she had made Sayori smile like that.

Especially now that she knew how much she needed it.

* * *

"Everyone! Our vice-president is here! Sorry we're late! We had to run some errands. Monika, meet Yuri and Natsuki!"

Sayori opened the door to the classroom, revealing the two girls already inside. Their faces lit up in recognition. Of course, Monika needed no introduction, even if she had never spoken to either Yuri or Natsuki before.

Yuri sat near the back of the classroom, by a window. She was holding a book with a large eye on its cover, which she closed once she saw Monika walk in.

"Ah! It's no problem, really... I don't mind the wait. It truly is a pleasure to finally meet you."

Yuri stood to greet them. Monika tried her best not to stare at her arms, knowing what she feared she would find under Yuri's sleeves.

"Twenty minutes late to the first club meeting? Hmph. At least you had an excuse, I guess."

Natsuki stood up from behind the big cardboard box on the desk she was sitting at. On top of the box was a tray covered with an opaque plastic cover. Monika could smell something faint and sweet from underneath.

Monika took a moment to appreciate just how small she was, and thin as well. She knew why this was. It put a knot in her throat.

Too late she realized she was staring. Natsuki blushed and crossed her arms in a huff, but she also seemed to shrink a bit under Monika's concerned gaze.

"What are you looking at? If you want to say something, say it."

"Ah, sorry, it's nothing."

"Hmph."

Sayori leant into Monika's ear to quickly whisper something.

"She can be a bit moody and defensive sometimes. She means nothing by it."

She then walked to the two girls and put her hands on their shoulders in turn.

"Anyway, this is Natsuki, always full of energy! And this is Yuri, the smartest girl in school!"

"W-what? Don't say things like that."

"You are! You get higher grades than even Monika!"

That took Monika by surprise. She couldn't remember ever seeing Yuri near any of the study groups that hang around the library, or even heard them mention her in passing. Maybe she preferred to study on her own.

"Well, it's nice to meet both of you."

Yuri gave her a pleasant smile in response. Natsuki averted her eyes, but Monika could see the corners of her mouth curl up slightly.

"Y-yeah, anyway. Sayori, you took the closet key! You told me I could use it to store my manga..."

Raising an eyebrow, Yuri turned to Natsuki.

"You brought manga to the Literature Club?"

Monika already knew this wasn't going to end well.

But before Natsuki could protest, Sayori was the one to speak up.

"Yes! We talked about this when Natsuki joined the club. We're considering any type of media which conveys meaning through text to be literature. So, yeah, manga is literature!"

Everyone was silent for a moment, Natsuki and Yuri both with their mouths agape, Sayori with a toothy grin on hers. Eventually it was her who broke the silence with a nervous giggle.

"Uhh... anyway! Let me get that door for you."

Monika just watched her as she moved. She had known how to diffuse a possible argument between Natsuki and Yuri. Did this mean Sayori knew it would happen? Did she also have knowledge similar to hers?

Perhaps Sayori just knew Natsuki better than Monika did, enough to predict that. But then again, Monika couldn't remember her mentioning Natsuki even once before. Sayori didn't really have any close friends aside from Monika, so she couldn't imagine her meeting someone new and not telling her about it.

Natsuki moved the tray onto the desk and carried her cardboard box to the closet. She hugged it close to her body, as if it were a precious object.

"The teachers never use this closet, so we can pretty much just use it for anything we want."

Yuri perked up, as if she had suddenly remembered something. She quickly walked back to her desk and picked up a duffel bag she had placed behind it.

"Oh, I brought something too! I had my doubts on whether or not it was acceptable to have such a thing in a club room, but Sayori said there would be no problem..."

She looked a Sayori, as if looking for approval, and smiled when she nodded in response. From the bag she pulled out a stainless steel electric kettle and an intricately carved wooden box. She opened the latter to reveal a set of four small tea cups with saucers surrounding a matching teapot, as well as a couple dozen fancy-looking teabags of many colors.

"I enjoy reading the most when I'm drinking a hot cup of tea, so I thought it'd be nice to share some with all of you. I have some English breakfast tea, chamomile, green tea, jasmine... I even brought sugar in case any of you prefer it that way..."

"Wait, Sayori, is this why you told me to bake the cupcakes?"

Everyone turned to Natsuki and then to Sayori, whose turn it was to smile nervously.

"Um... ehehe... yeah? I wanted it to be a little surprise for everyone. I knew how much Yuri likes her tea and I thought it may go well with something sweet, so I convinced Natsuki to let me help her bake a batch of cupcakes..."

Monika was baffled. She couldn't remember the last time she saw Sayori be motivated enough to pull something like that.

"Well... it's not like I really care, but you didn't need to keep me out of the loop. "

Natsuki huffed and went to fetch her tray of cupcakes. Yuri, meanwhile, had managed to find an outlet to plug the base of the kettle into.

"I'll go get some water from the bathroom. It shouldn't take me too long."

With Yuri gone and Natsuki on the other side of the room, Monika walked up to Sayori to speak to her quietly.

"You know, you didn't have to do all of this just to convince me to join."

"Huh? N-no, that's not why I did this at all! I mean, I know you're going to love it, but I mostly just wanted to do this as a kind of icebreaker. You and I have known each other for years, but I've barely met them a few weeks ago, and they've never met you or each other at all!"

It made sense, Monika had to give her that. For someone who didn't really go out of her way to make friends, Sayori seemed to be surprisingly good at socializing.

Before Monika could say anything, Natsuki approached them with her cupcakes and Yuri came through the door, carefully carrying the kettle full of water. She went to set it on its base and turned it on before joining the rest of the girls.

"Alright, Sayori and I made these a few hours ago, so they're still fresh and moist."

"Yay! Um, I can't take that much credit though, I had to leave before they came out of the oven so I could go to class."

Natsuki nodded.

"Yeah, but she helped be with the batter while I made the frosting. I decorated them by myself."

Monika thought about it for a second. If Sayori was baking cupcakes with Natsuki it would explain why she said she had something to do with her free period earlier. But why not just bake the cupcakes at Natsuki's house and bring them to school? Would the taste really change that much from just one day to the next?

"Anyway, here they are!"

With a smug look on her face, Natsuki carefully lifted the cover.

"Ooooooh..."

The rest of the girls voiced their amazement in unison, much to Natsuki's obvious satisfaction.

On the tray were a dozen cupcakes, each topped with a neat swirl of white buttercream frosting and adorned with pink and light blue sprinkles. Monika couldn't help but notice Sayori give Natsuki a knowing smile and barely suppressed giggles. Natsuki blushed in response.

"W-what?"

"They look amazing, Natsuki! This may be your best batch yet!"

"Oh! Uh, yeah, of course it is! I put extra effort in them, you know? Come on, they're not just for looking at. Dig in already!"

They all thanked Natsuki and reached for a cupcake. Sayori pulled the paper liner back and somehow managed to bite half of hers at once, while the rest watched in astonishment. At least she covered her mouth when she inevitably tried to speak with her mouth full.

"Mmmmm! It's delicious!"

Monika in turn took a more reasonable bite from her cupcake. Sayori was right, it was moist and fluffy, and the frosting had been made to perfection. The sprinkles added a pleasant texture to it too.

Yuri held her cupcake curiously, and took a careful bite. Her eyes widened in surprise.

"Um, Natsuki, is this a lavender cupcake?"

"Yeah, why? Do you not like them or something?"

"Oh, no, on the contrary! Lavender is a favorite of mine! Thank you for these, they are wonderful."

Once again, Natsuki blushed furiously. Monika didn't remember her being so easy to fluster, but so far both Sayori and Yuri had managed to do it .

"Well, yeah, of course it is! I'm the best baker in school!"

"That's not hard to believe. I'd wager these would pair marvelously with some black tea. Ah, which reminds me, the water should be ready any second now."

Yuri went to tend to the water in the electric kettle, which was already audibly boiling. Monika took the chance to turn to Natsuki.

"I have to agree with Yuri. These cupcakes are great! I'm surprised someone like you isn’t in the cooking club."

Monika regretted saying those words the very next instant, when Natsuki visibly shrunk and color drained from her face.

"The cooking club?! No, I could never! They... that's... not the place for me."

Sayori, having already finished her cupcake, came to their rescue.

"Natsuki was looking for a smaller club, some place with less pressure, where people know each other better. Kind of like you were!"

Monika couldn't argue with that. It was basically the same reason she quit the Debate Club. Still, she was puzzled by Natsuki's fearful reaction.

"Ah, speaking of, vice president! I need your help to look over Yuri and Natsuki's club applications. It'll just be a few minutes. Natsuki, could you help Yuri? We'll just take a moment."

Visibly thankful for the change of subject, Natsuki murmured something inaudible and went to help Yuri move some chairs so they could all sit around the same desk.

Sayori pulled Monika aside to where she had left her bag, from which she produced a small manila folder holding a few sheets of paper.

"So... I have a bit of a problem."

"You do? What's wrong? Did you forget to submit some form past the deadline?"

"Nooot exactly..? It's more like... the forms were pretty long and complicated and there were so many pages and I kept getting distracted..."

Monika opened the folder to find that barely anything had been written at all on the small stack of forms before her. There were their names and the name of their club. Aside from that, everything still needed to be filled out. Thankfully, Yuri and Natsuki had already filled out their applications. Monika sighed.

"I suppose as vice-president it is my duty to help you in any administrative tasks..."

"Yay! Monika, you're the best! I knew I could count on you!"

Monika looked over the forms in closer detail. The name Sayori Nagata was written under the president role, in Sayori's distinct cutesy handwriting. Under the title of vice-president, she had written the name Monika Christondolou.

Barely anyone used Monika's last name, not even the teachers. She was pretty sure most of them kept a sticky note on their desks to remember how to spell it. Sayori, on the other hand, never had any problems getting it right.

It took her a moment to realize, her new set of memories had no mention of their last names. Not hers, not of her friends.

This made sense, of course. None of their relatives were really meant to be characters, so they wouldn't need them. Real people needed last names.

The two member applications attached to it were under the names of Yuri Yamaoka and Natsuki Shimura. They were both dated to just two days prior. The deadline for turning in the forms was the very next day.

Which meant Sayori had really just waited for the last minute to tell her about the club.

Monika turned to look at Sayori, who was fidgeting nervously. Behind her, Yuri and Natsuki were sitting by the window, sipping tea and taking bites off their cupcakes. They weren't talking, but they looked at peace.

Yuri at least seemed to be a lot more comfortable than any other time she'd seen her before in class or in the school cafeteria. Monika couldn't remember ever seeing her smile like she was doing at that very moment.

And Natsuki, who was pretty much invisible to her outside of the club, looked so proud of herself with how everybody was enjoying her hard work.

Maybe it was worth it, putting up with whatever it was that was happening to her, just for this.

"Well, I'll leave you to it then..?"

"Don't think this means you're off the hook, miss president!"

"Eeehh?"

"You're going to sit here next to me and help me fill these out."

"Whaaaat? But you're so much better than I am at this kind of thing!"

Sayori pouted and looked at her with puppy dog eyes. It did something to Monika's heart every time she did that. Still, she couldn't give in.

"You know it isn't going to look good if most of the application is written in a different handwriting than the rest."

"Aaahh?"

"If we work together, we'll finish it even faster."

Sayori looked like she would argue, but instead she sighed, defeated.

"Yeah, okay, that's fair..."

And so while Natsuki and Yuri were busy enjoying their tea and pastries, Monika did her best to direct Sayori in filling out the application.

* * *

Roughly ten minutes later, Sayori put down her pen. Her hand was sore and sweaty. It happened every time she wrote for more than a few moments at a time.

"Aaauugh! It's finally done!"

It had taken longer than she hoped, but at least it was over. She slouched on the desk and let go of her pen, flexing her wrist. As much as she loved writing, filling out papers was just so tedious and time-consuming.

She barely registered Monika fishing out the forms from under her and neatly stacking them inside their folder with a satisfied sigh.

"See, didn't I tell you we'd get it done in no time?"

Sayori forced herself to look up at Monika. She was smiling at her in that way she always did. Her heart skipped a beat, as it did every time Monika looked at her like that. And with that came the knot of guilt in her throat.

Even so, Sayori couldn't help but smile back at her.

"Yaaay! We did it! Just in time!"

She stretched and turned her attention back towards Yuri and Natsuki. To her surprise, they were so deeply engaged in conversation they weren't even paying attention to their club president and vice-president. Yuri in particular seemed unusually excited.

"It really is impressive that you've managed to become this proficient at baking after doing it for less than a year. And you say you started doing it because of a book you read?"

"Uh, yeah, something like that, I guess... I mean, I actually learned how to bake when I was younger, but... I stopped."

"I can relate to that. My own interest in tea began when I read Sense and Sensibility back in middle school. When I was fifteen my mother even gave me a fascinating book called Tea With Jane Austen about its role in her work and life...

"You read Jane Austen in middle school?"

"Of course! I know it's quite different from what I often read nowadays, but it was very enjoyable and it allowed me to discover tea as a passion of mine. It's... not strange, is it?"

"Not really..? I don't know, I haven't really read anything by her..."

"Ah, that's alright, I understand Regency era literature isn't exactly approachable for most people nowadays. What sort of stories do you usually read?"

Natsuki turned to look in Sayori's direction and her face lit up with relief.

"Oh, Sayori! Are you two finished with all that boring school stuff?"

Monika walked to her seat while Yuri poured two cups of tea.

"We are! I mostly just helped, Sayori did the actual paperwork."

Sayori smiled thankfully, but a part of her knew it was wrong. Why was Monika letting her take credit when it was her who really did all the hard work? Was it just because she was the president?

It's not like she wanted to be. She just had to. It was the only way.

She had to do it for them. Nothing else mattered.

Sayori took her seat next to Monika. She took a sip of her tea to steady her nerves.

"Okay, everyone, time to start the first official meeting of the Literature Club!"

Monika clapped enthusiastically. Natsuki and Yuri looked a bit startled for a second, but followed suit, if not as lively. Sayori smiled. It was a good start.

"Um, thank you! You all know I made this club not only so we could all have a place where we could all enjoy and share our common interests comfortably."

She paused. Natsuki and Yuri both nodded. Monika just looked at her curiously.

"This is all true, but I also wanted this club to be a place where we could feel comfortable with ourselves, without feeling scared of sharing who we are or the things we love."

The girls looked a bit surprised, but they kept silent. Sayori took this as a cue to continue.

"We all may be very different people, but we have many things in common. And one of them is our love of literature! Be it novels, manga, poetry..."

Sayori looked at Yuri, Natsuki and Monika respectively. Each girl smiled in turn.

"The reason we're here is the stories they tell and what they meant to us. And now we have a place where we can share them with each other, and express why they meant so much to us! So let's get right to it!"

* * *

Sayori walked slowly, falling behind Monika's more energetic pace after a few steps, then having to rush forward for a moment to catch up.

She sighed. It had been a long, hard day. Truth be told, she didn't know how she managed to get through it all without something going horribly wrong.

"I have to say, Sayori, I didn't think you had it in you."

"Eh?"

"To start your own club! Sure, so far it's pretty small and not exactly organized, but all clubs are like that when they first start meeting. That issue with the paperwork aside, you did a pretty good job!"

Sayori couldn't help but smile at that. It wasn't often that she heard those words.

"All thanks to you, vice president! We're going to be the best Literature Club ever!"

"With members like those, I could see it happening. Where did you find them, anyway? I think I remember seeing Yuri somewhere. Is she in our year?"

"Yes, they both are!"

"Wait, Natsuki too? I would have thought she'd be at least a year younger."

"Oh no she's just... very small. Some people are just like that, you know?"

Sayori gripped her bag's strap tightly. Her mouth still went dry every time she thought about it.

"Oh... right... of course. I've never seen her anywhere, though? What classroom is she in?"

Sayori felt herself start to panic. Why didn't she think about this beforehand?

"Uh, it's... you know, I actually don't know!"

"You don't know?"

"Well, you see, we met in the library, right? And that's where we started talking, and seeing each other more often and... her classroom just never came up!"

"Ah, yeah, that does sound like you."

Sayori was thankful she was willing to let it go so easily, but she still took offense.

"Hey, what's that supposed to mean?"

"Nothing, nothing!"

Monika raised her hands defensively and laughed. Sayori had to laugh too. She could never stay mad at her when she smiled like that.

She barely even realized when they reached her house.

"Well, I better head on home and start working on that poem. Do you want me to text you tonight and remind you to write yours?"

"I won't forget so quickly! Aaah, but please do anyway?"

"Of course I will. Goodbye, Sayori!"

"Goodbye, Monika! Have fun with your poem!"

And with that she stood on her doorway and watched Monika walk away. Just like every time she watched her leave, it made her feel a little sad inside. And just like every time, that feeling brought the guilt back with it.

But it wouldn't be too long now. She just needed a bit more time.

Just a bit more time to get the club going strong, to get all of them to be friends. To have Natsuki be comfortable and safe, and to have Yuri feel accepted and content. To have Monika have other real friends besides her.

To make it so they wouldn't need her anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for taking the time to read my first serious attempt at fanfiction! Next chapter we will learn more about Yuri and Natsuki. Hopefully I'll be able to upload it in less than a month, though I do have the bad habit of trying to work on many stories at the same time. I'll do my best!
> 
> Thanks to [RegularMagicalUnicorn](https://archiveofourown.org/users/RegularMagicalUnicorn) for proofreading!
> 
> If anyone's curious as to where I got the last names for all the girls:
> 
>   * Monika Christondolou after the Greek artist of the same name, who happens to go by just Monika. A friend later had to point out that this also makes her initials MC.
>   * Sayori Nagata after the author of My Lesbian Experience With Loneliness. It only seemed fitting.
>   * Yuri Yamaoka after the composer for Silent Hill. It's what she would have wanted.
>   * Natsuki Shimura after the author of Wandering Son. Foreshadowing~!


	2. Chapter 2

Natsuki woke up to the faint sound of her phone vibrating on her nightstand. She reached for it to turn off the alarm and looked at the time. Six in the morning. She dropped back onto her pillow and groaned.

"It's not fair."

She had barely gotten any sleep the previous night. Part of it was because she had been so nervous about tomorrow, but the sudden hunger pangs well past midnight hadn't helped.

But moping face-down on her pillow any longer wouldn't do her any good. Groaning as loudly as she dared, she forced herself to roll out of bed and onto her slippers.

It was going to be a big day. She was determined to make it a good one too. She would, no matter what.

She reached for her phone as she groggily walked to the bathroom.

**[Monday 6:03 AM]  
** **[Private Message]**

**Natsuki:**  
hey sayo  
this is me waking you up  
like you told me  
dont forget the stuff  
for real you better not oversleep today of all days  
and uh again  
thank you for this  
seriously

Natsuki put her phone on the vanity and started the water heater. She checked at herself in the mirror, like she did every morning. Her eyes traced over her jawline, her cheekbones, her forehead. Sayori had told her she had nothing to worry about. Natsuki still felt she looked just wrong enough.

She touched her chin and upper lip, searching for any sign of roughness. The last thing she wanted was to have a bleeding cut at school, so she had done all her shaving late the night before. It would have to do, she guessed.

Her hair, at least, was the one thing about herself that she liked. It was strawberry blonde, almost pink under the right light.

Just like her mother's.

She splashed water on her face and brushed her teeth, then examined them on the mirror. As always, they were slightly crooked, with her canines being particularly prominent. Sayori once told her some people found that sort of thing attractive.

Natsuki just thought they looked crooked.

She undressed quickly and walked into the shower. She had taken a bath the night before, so a quick shower would do. She focused on washing her hair and using the conditioner just like Sayori taught her.

The tiny bottle had cost her a bit more than she expected, but it was worth it. She'd been using it for just a week and her hair was already much softer and more manageable. It also smelled faintly of vanilla, which didn't hurt. Sayori said she liked it, at least.

Shortly afterwards she was back in her bedroom, wrapped in a clean towel and rubbing her hair dry with another one. While she would like to grow it at least a bit longer, being able to dry it quickly was a big advantage. It wasn't like she could afford a hair dryer, nor did she want to go through the trouble of hiding it in her room.

That and the noise would probably wake up her dad.

One she was dry she begrudgingly put on the school uniform. It felt as stiff and uncomfortable as always.

Once she was dressed, she knelt behind her dresser and opened the bottom drawer. She reached inside towards the very back and pulled out a small black metal box. She opened it with a tiny key from under her lamp. While she knew it wouldn't keep her out of trouble for very long if her dad ever actually found the box, it still gave her a sense of security she desperately needed.

Inside the box were a number of tablet blister packs, a few red hair ties, a scrunchie, some bobby pins, a cheap lipstick, a tiny jar of concealer and a kajal pencil. She took a big white tablet and three tiny blue ones and put them in her pocket. Then she locked the box again and this time put it in her school bag.

Natsuki then lifted her mattress, took the last four manga from under it and put it on top of the box, followed by her textbooks and other school supplies. Once she made sure she had everything she needed, she turned off the lights and went downstairs to the kitchen.

She checked her phone one more time. It was nearly seven, but Sayori still hadn't read her messages.

That was concerning. She was kind of counting on her.

Natsuki turned on the electric kettle and put a saucepan on the stovetop. It was up to her to make breakfast. She searched the cupboard for a bag of oats and the fridge for a milk carton. They were running out.

She decided to go with half milk and half water for the oatmeal. Just milk would have been more filling and probably tastier, but she wanted to stretch it out as much as she could. She put the burner on high and waited for the mix to boil.

The kettle was done by then, so she mixed a cup of instant coffee for herself. She took a sip and scrunched up her face. It's not that she disliked black coffee, but the cheap stuff was just vile.

Part of her wished she had chosen to spend the money on a slightly fancier instant coffee, even if ground beans were out of the question. Still, she wasn't drinking it for the taste.

A long time ago, she would have helped her mom put the big cast iron griddle on the stovetop and prepare a big breakfast for the family. They'd make pancakes, bacon and eggs. Her dad would squeeze fresh orange juice for her and pour coffee for himself and her mom. Far from traditional, but it was her mom's favorite breakfast. The kitchen would be filled with mouth-watering smells.

Compared to that, everything Natsuki made in their kitchen just felt bland or worse.

Once her coffee had cooled down a little, she downed her handful of pills with it. The tiny blue ones could have gone down on their own, but the white one was so dry and chalky it was nearly impossible to swallow it by itself.

On a bread basket nearby sat a dozen drop biscuits wrapped in cloth. She had baked then late the night before, as she did every night, to make sure they were still fresh enough the next morning. It was cheaper than buying bread.

She took one and took a bite from it. It was good, but it wanted jam or butter. Maybe honey. Not much she could do about that.

She added the oats to the boiling water and milk mix and lowered the heat. Five minutes later, she had a saucepan full of fresh hot oatmeal. She poured herself a bowl and quickly finished her breakfast with two more biscuits.

She wrapped a few more biscuits in a paper napkin and put them in her school bag. Not much of a lunch, but it'd have to do. She headed towards the door.

That's when she heard his steps coming down the stairs.

Natsuki turned to see her dad walking into the kitchen. He didn't look particularly hungover. Not only that, but he was wearing a clean shirt, and a tie too. His hair was even somewhat combed.

He looked at her and nodded. She nodded back.

"Breakfast's on the stove."

He approached it and lifted the lid, sniffing the oatmeal suspiciously.

"No honey?"

"We're all out."

He made a noise that could only mean displeasure. He took a cup and mixed himself some coffee, then went over to the bread basket and picked a biscuit. When he bit into it he made a face. Natsuki grit her teeth. She knew better, but still felt the need to defend her biscuits.

"They're better hot."

He didn't answer. Instead he just grabbed a bowl and poured the rest of the oatmeal in it, then took a seat at the table and started eating. The empty saucepan sat on the stovetop, dirty. Natsuki knew it would just sit there until she came back home. She sighed and went to take it to the sink.

While she washed it, she heard her dad trying to speak through a mouthful of biscuit.

"When are you cutting your hair?"

"Soon."

"Doesn't it bother you having it so long?"

"I don't mind it."

"You think it makes you look cute or something?"

Natsuki scrubbed harder. Her dad slurped his coffee loudly before continuing.

"Can't you afford it now with your job?"

"I could."

"So do it, then."

"I don't have the time."

"Oh, but you do have the time to join some club after school?"

Natsuki tensed. Something in her dad's voice just then sent a shiver down her spine. She had to choose her next words carefully.

"And when are you getting a job?"

Wrong choice.

She heard the chair screech for an instant when her dad moved. Natsuki froze, not even daring to turn around. The saucepan made a faint noise against its lid as her hands started to shake.

She waited.

He didn't stand up. A second later she heard him start to eat again. She let go of the breath she didn't know she had been holding and finished washing the saucepan.

"I have a job interview today. I'll be home late."

What kind of interview lasts all day long? Not that it mattered. Natsuki just hummed affirmatively.

She placed the saucepan on the dish rack, not bothering to dry it. It'd still be there when she came home later that night. She had to get out.

"Goodbye, dad."

She all but ran out of the kitchen. If he said something in response she didn't hear it. She was out of the door and walking to school barely a moment later.

* * *

The school day, as always, was all but unbearable. The least she kept thinking about it the better.

And speaking of better, Natsuki finally found herself alone in the Cooking Club kitchen. It didn't hold the best of memories for her, but it was a necessity. She could only guess what Sayori had to do to get the Cooking Club let them use the room.

She took out her phone once again.

**[Monday 3:22 PM]**  
**[Private Message]**

**Sayori:**  
again i'm sooooo sorry about this morning! (TToTT)

**Natsuki:**  
its okay you can stop apologizing  
im already here btw

**Sayori:**  
i'm on my way! (^3^)

The box was just where Sayori had said. She locked the door before pulling it out and onto the table. She carefully cut the tape with a nearby knife and pulled out the first object inside. The rest could wait.

It was a red hardcover notebook, very well-loved and with over a dozen page markers sticking out from all sides. She opened it almost reverently. It contained over a hundred pages of handwritten notes in many colors of pens and markers, printed pictures and newspaper cutouts. A life of experience and dedication painstakingly recorded as recipes.

Natsuki flipped back to the first page, which contained two words. A name. Kaoru Shimura.

She let out a pained sigh.

Just then, she heard the rattle of the doorknob. She nearly dropped the book, but caught herself just in time and carefully put it on the table. Soon the rattling turned to knocking.

"Natsuki? Are you there?"

She opened the door to find a smiling Sayori carrying her school bag. Sayori grinned at her and walked into the kitchen, closing the door behind her.

"Sorry I took so long! How was your day? Did you have any trouble?"

Natsuki stayed silent, staring at her.

Sayori blinked at her, confused.

"Natsuki? Is something wrong?"

She cleared her throat.

"Hello, Sayori."

She stared at her expectantly.

"Oh my god, Natsuki! Is that your voice?"

"Y-yeah, I've been practicing. Is it... good enough?"

"Of course! That's amazing!"

Natsuki felt her face heating up. The voice pitch app on her phone said it was merely androgynous. Still, it felt nice to be complimented.

"Uh, thank you. I just hope I can keep it going through the club meeting."

"Oh, if you feel like you need to take a break, I could always make up some errand for you to get out of the classroom for a little while."

"That... could be a good idea, actually. Should I just text you about it?"

"Oh, that's a great idea! Let's do that! And..."

She turned to look at the box.

"Oh, you found it! Everything is inside, right?"

Natsuki clutched the notebook to her chest.

"Yes, I think so. Honestly, this is what's really important."

"Ah, right, that's..."

"My mom's cookbook."

Finding it had been almost depressingly easy. Natsuki wasn't even sure her dad knew it existed. It was one of the few things she had left from her mom. Having to sneak it out of the house wasn't something she had enjoyed, but it would be safer at school.

"I'm pretty sure the rest of the stuff is in there too. My manga and..."

Sayori pulled out a small package from the box and started laying its contents out on the table.

"Your uniform!"

"Huh? No, I mean, I'm just borrowing it."

"No, Natsuki, it's yours! It doesn't fit me anymore anyway. I'd rather you have it than just have it sitting it a drawer forever."

Natsuki didn't know what to say. She put the book down and touched the uniform. She never thought she could wear one, let alone own one.

"I... I can't, I... You already gave me your hair ties, and your scrunchie... I really can't."

"Of course you can! Come on, you should try it on!"

"What?!"

"Yes! I'll stand outside and keep watch! Just knock when you're ready!"

Not giving her the chance to argue, Sayori left the room.

Natsuki found herself alone once again, faced with the challenge of putting on Sayori's uniform.

No... her own uniform. Sayori had said so.

It should feel easier. It's what she's wanted for so long. Still, something was stopping her, and she couldn't quite put a name on it.

Did she really deserve this? Sayori had already done so much for her, and now this. Was it really, alright for her to go around the school wearing that uniform?

She'd be found out for sure. Even if there was barely anyone in the hallways, if just one person bumped into her and recognized her, it was all over. As permissive as her school's dress code was, she could still get reported for wearing the uniform. And if word would get around to her dad...

She couldn't afford the risk.

Yet still...

Natsuki touched the skirt. She knew Sayori would back off if she refused. If she did that, then she'd have to go to the club meeting wearing her old uniform. She would miss her only chance.

She undressed quickly and took the clothes from the table. It felt oddly natural to put it on.

When she was done, the difference was night and day. The blazer didn't feel tight or constrictive, the bow wasn't suffocating, the skirt was light and easy to move in. For once, her clothes just felt right.

A mirror would have been useful. Sayori could help her get ready in any case. She turned in place and tried walking, then skipping around the table. She couldn't help but giggle in wonder at the way her skirt, her very own skirt, swayed as she moved.

"Natsuki? Is everything alright? Are you done?"

"Sayo! Y-yes!"

She stopped to make sure her pads were in place before going to the door and opening it, revealing an expectant Sayori behind it. The smile on her face grew even wider once she set her eyes on Natsuki.

"Ooooh my god, you're soooo cute~!"

Cute?

The word stopped her dead in her tracks. Natsuki's face felt impossibly hot. Sayori had called her cute. Was she really? It wasn't what she saw when she looked in the mirror every morning. Could Sayori really find her cute?

Did she deserve that?

It was the first time in recent memory anyone had called her cute for real. No, that wasn't true.

Her mom had called her cute once, when she was with them. Her dad had too, and meant it, back when she still felt safe at home. A lifetime ago.

"I'm not cute."

"But you are! Natsuki, you look so cute in your uniform!"

"Sayori, don't."

"Don't you think so? Here, let me take a picture and show-”

"Can't you just drop it?"

It came out a bit harsher than she meant. Sayori already had her phone in her hand, but she stopped, and put it back in her pocket dejectedly.

"I'm sorry."

"It's fine..."

For a moment they just stood there in the awkward silence, with Sayori still standing halfway through the door frame.

"Do you... want me to help you with your makeup?"

"Ah... well, yeah. I don't have a mirror, so it's not like I can do it on my own."

"Of course! Just give me a couple minutes and let me work my magic!"

They both sat at opposite ends of the table. Sayori started by carefully applying foundation. Natsuki made it a point not to meet Sayori's eyes while she touched her face.

"We really should get the cupcakes started soon. We only have so much time. You don't have another free period next, do you?"

"Nope, but don't worry, I'll be done in no time! I'm just doing some very basic stuff. Concealer, eyeliner, mascara and lipstick. I can do your hair too. It'll take me fifteen minutes tops!"

It didn't sound basic at all. She'd have to ask Sayori to teach her how to do it on her own sometime soon.

"Do you know what you want to bake already?"

"Yeah, I'm thinking lavender cupcakes with buttercream frosting."

Her mom's favorites.

"Oooh, that sounds really good!"

"Yep! They used to be my specialty! They're gonna blow your mind!"

"Yaaay! I'm sure everyone is going to love them."

"Of course they are. I'll help you get started with the batter and then take care of the frosting myself."

Natsuki had it all planned out. She had chosen the best ingredients she could get her hands on, read the recipe over and over, put it all together just in time and walked Sayori through it beforehand. Everything was going to be perfect.

* * *

Yuri stood before the door of the classroom designated as the Literature Club room, just as Sayori had told her. She carried a small black duffel bag, twisting the handles in her hands.

She had arrived five minutes early to the meeting time, but she had been standing in front of the door for nearly ten.

There was someone inside. She could see through the glass. It was a girl, with what looked like pretty pink hair. She couldn't remember seeing any girl in their school with hair like that.

Dyed hair wasn't uncommon in their school. Yuri herself had been dyeing hers a very dark purple ever since she was a sophomore. Even something as garish as pink wouldn't be too out of place. Still, she couldn't quite recognize this girl.

Not that she spent a lot of time staring at girls. That would be weird.

She probably should have expected someone else to arrive before her. She had meant to get there sooner, but she had lost track of time reading her book again. That and she had to take the long way around to avoid...

Nevermind that.

Yuri put her hand on the door handle. All she had to do was open, walk inside and say hello.

She instead put her bag on the floor and cracked her knuckles. She had gotten very good at it, able to do all her fingers just by pushing in on her knuckles with the palm of her hand. She then took her time doing each finger individually. Once finished, she let her hands go limp at the wrist and shook them.

That felt better, but not quite enough.

Looking both ways first, she put her hands together and brought them over her head, stretching upwards on her tiptoes, then pulled her hands back behind her head and expertly cracked her back, hearing the dull yet immensely satisfying pop in her spine.

Yuri wasn't sure how bad or otherwise it was for her, but she didn't really care.

She picked up the duffel bag, opened the door and stepped inside

"Fuck!"

Yuri all but jumped off her skin when she heard the girl scream. The bag nearly slipped from her fingers.

"You scared me! Ever heard of knocking?"

"Ah, I'm sorry! I-I didn't m-mean to..."

Her apology faded into stutters once she turned to look at the girl. She felt a flush growing on her cheeks.

It turned out her hair wasn't dyed, just a natural strawberry blonde. She was... very pretty. That was obvious. Granted, Yuri found most of the other girls in school pretty, so this came as no surprise. What was a surprise was that Yuri had never seen her before.

Not that she kept track of every pretty girl in school. That would be really weird.

Yuri then realized that she had been staring at this girl for at least a few seconds without saying anything that could actually pass as a real language. The girl in turn was staring back, blushing rather prettily.

For someone with such a broad vocabulary, Yuri sure wished she could think of other words whenever she saw a girl she liked rather than just pretty.

"That's fine, don't worry about it. What are you doing here, anyway?"

"Oh! I-I'm a new member of the Literature Club. My name is Yuri."

"Right, right. I'm Natsuki. Also a club member."

"Of course. Nice to meet you"

"Yeah, you too."

Once again, they returned to an uncomfortable silence. Yuri walked towards a seat beside the window and put the duffel bag on the floor and her own school bag on the desk. Natsuki didn't object to the abrupt end to their conversation, and instead just went back to staring at the box on her own desk.

Yuri bit the inside of her cheek. That had gone poorly. She briefly considered trying to initiate a conversation again, but couldn't bring herself to do it. Instead, she took her book out from her school bag.

She found the last page by the number, as always. She'd never had trouble remembering which one she was on. Concentrating on reading, on the other hand, proved a lot more difficult.

It was her first day at the Literature Club and she had already managed to blunder her way through her first conversation with a fellow club member. One she was completely unfamiliar with. She looked fairly young, so she was probably a year below her, if not two. Maybe that was why she'd never seen her before.

She turned to look at her, and was surprised to see Natsuki looking back at her. Both girls' eyes widened and they turned back to their own desks suddenly. Yuri felt her cheeks grow warm once again.

She only then realized she had been playing with the corner of the same page of her book for a while. Yuri grimaced. She hated curled corners on her books. She carefully used her fingers to flatten it and make sure it wouldn't crease.

Not on this book. Not on any of her books.

Her thoughts went to her skirt.

Mom had taught her how to sew pockets into the sides of it. Yuri used them to carry her keys, her phone, a coin purse and one of her favorite pocket knives. She had also added a third pocket, one she couldn't access easily.

A tiny packet full of topical powder. A single alcohol swab. One more item, a crisp wax paper envelope holding something clean and sharp. She could feel it through the fabric.

Yuri tried her best to focus on her book. No matter how much the rest of the club members would take to arrive, she knew it was going to be one long wait.

* * *

"What do you enjoy reading, Yuri?"

Monika's question caught her off guard. It had been a while since anyone had addressed her and, if she was being honest, she had allowed herself to get distracted since the club session began.

It wasn't entirely her fault. It wasn't like she hadn't been listening. She was just enjoying her tea, and her cupcake, and... to put it simply, well...

This club was full of incredibly cute girls.

"Me? Hmm, let's see..."

Yuri wasn't often given the chance to talk about her interests. In fact, she was fairly certain that, before Natsuki just a few minutes ago, the only person she ever got to talk about literature with was her mom.

She still felt some apprehension about sharing some of her more obscure interests, but if they were willing to listen...

"My favorites are usually novels that build deep and complex fantasy worlds. The level of creativity and craftsmanship behind them is amazing to me. And telling a good story in such a foreign world is equally impressive."

She paused. Everyone was staring at her. People often just stared at her while she talked, only to laugh afterwards.

But they weren't laughing. They really did seem to just be listening. Sayori was even smiling sweetly at her.

"But I enjoy a lot of things. Stories with psychological and philosophical elements usually immerse me as well. Isn't it amazing how a writer can so deliberately take advantage of your expectations to completely throw you for a loop? Anyway, I've been reading a lot of horror lately, like Portrait of Markov, Sawkill Girls or the Dark Vista series..."

Sayori's eyes widened at that.

"I didn't know you liked horror, Yuri!"

"I do. Is that... strange?"

"Not at all! I just didn't expect it."

Natsuki, however, wasn't smiling anymore.

"Is something wrong, Natsuki?"

"No, nothing's wrong! It's just... I can't really stand horror."

Ah. Of course.

Yuri found herself at a loss on what to say to that, but Sayori came to her rescue.

"How come?"

"Well, I just... never really saw much to it. You know, besides all the scares and gore and the shock value."

Yuri would have argued, she had to, that wasn't what horror was about at all! However, Monika spoke first.

"If I had to guess, I'd say you probably like reading cute stuff, don't you?"

"What?! N-no, I..."

Sayori jumped on the chance to intervene.

"What about that manga you're always reading?"

"What does that have to do with anything?!"

Sayori relented, but Monika continued.

"Well, we are sharing the type of literature we like..."

"I... I guess that's true. I do read a lot of manga... as much as I can, at least..."

Yuri's first instinct was to argue against manga being a form of literature, how could it, with its overreliance on visual elements and simplistic language? However, she bit her tongue and let Natsuki continue.

"I tend to like more down to earth kind of stuff, you know? Not really drama or mysteries or anything like that, mostly just slice-of-life. Parfait Girls, Kiss and White Lilly for- I mean, uh, Sweetness and Lightning, that sort of thing! It's... nice. It makes me feel good."

When she put it like that, it made Yuri feel ridiculously insensitive to have even thought that. She almost wanted to apologize, but struggled to find the words. Sayori, thankfully, saved her from having to do so by speaking up.

"That's fascinating, Natsuki! I usually read more down to earth stories too... but most of the things I read do tend to be more drama and romance, sometimes even tragedy. Things like The Bell Jar, The Road, Honor Girl... What about you, Monika?"

"Oh, me? Well, I read all sorts of things. I finished Metamorphosis a few nights ago, and then started Roadside Picnic. Oh, have you heard of Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep? It's the novel that Blade Runner is based on. I've never watched the film, but I loved the book."

"You also like poetry a lot, don't you?"

"Oh, I do! Emily Dickingson is an obvious favorite, Oscar Wilde too, of course, Pauli Murray, Audre Lorde, Maya Angelou, Venus Selenite, Kevin Kantor..."

Yuri nodded along as Monika listed poets, some of which she recognized, most she didn't. Had she found a kindred spirit?

"Do you write poetry too?"

Monika turned to her. Was she surprised she had spoken up?

"Uh, yes, sometimes, I..."

Monika seemed to be a bit nervous talking about her own work. Sayori, on the other hand, was on a roll.

"Yes, Monika writes wonderful poetry! Natsuki does too!"

"Sayori! Why did you tell them that?!"

"But it's true, your poetry is incredible! It’s nothing to be embarrassed about! Yuri, how about you?"

Once again, it was Yuri’s turn to be flustered.

"M-me?! I mean, s-sometimes I've... I have written a few poems..."

"Can we see them?"

Yuri felt her face grow hot. In a way, this was what she wanted. To find people to discuss and share poetry with. Now that she was offered the chance to do just that, however...

To share a poem you have written for yourself you must expose yourself to your readers, all your vulnerabilities, and showing them the deepest reaches of your heart. That requires more than just confidence.

"I couldn't possibly, I mean..."

"Aww... I really wanted to read everyone's poems!"

"Everyone?!"

All the other three girls exclaimed at once, staring at Sayori. The look they gave her varied from concern to curiosity. Sayori suddenly beamed at them.

"That's it! We should all write a poem for the club! We can share them tomorrow, and that way we’ll all be embarrassed together!"

* * *

Yuri walked home alone, as she did every afternoon. Somehow, she had let Sayori convince her to write a poem to show the day after. Natsuki had put up even more of a fight, but after Monika gave in early, the rest soon followed.

When she turned the corner onto her street she saw a tall woman in a suit walking the other way towards her. Smiling, she ran the rest of the way to her and into her open arms.

"Mom! You're home early!"

"Hello, Yuri. We wrapped up earlier than we thought, so I thought we could have dinner as a family. How was your day? You joined a club today, didn't you?"

"Oh, it was wonderful! I made new friends and we talked about novels and poetry!"

"That's great! Tell me more over dinner, I don't want you to catch a cold out here."

They walked into their home together and Yuri instantly caught the smell of soy sauce and garlic. They followed the sound of sizzling oil into the kitchen, where a woman wearing a cooking apron over pajamas stood stirring the contents of a wok. She turned to them with a smile.

"Yuri, Yui, welcome home!"

"Hello, mom!"

"Hello, Tomoka. It's good to be home. I missed you all day."

Tomoka put down her cooking chopsticks and turned to hug her wife and daughter.

"Dinner will be ready in just a few minutes! We're having pork stir-fry and white rice."

"That sounds wonderful, love. I'll get changed and come set the table."

"I'll take care of it, mom. I can get changed later, just let me put my bag away."

Yuri climbed up the stairs to her room and put her things on the table. She would put everything away properly after dinner. She took a deep breath and shook her hands vigorously.

For the first time all day, she allowed herself to relax. She would have a nice dinner with her moms and, for the first time ever, she wouldn't have to lie about her friends at school.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I made y'all wait for so long! I had a lot happen in my life, but I'll try to be better about my writing schedule in the future. All of the books (save for Portrait of Markov and Parfait Girls) and poets mentioned by the girls are real, by the way, and I absolutely recommend you check them out.
> 
> Thanks to [RegularMagicalUnicorn](https://archiveofourown.org/users/RegularMagicalUnicorn) for proofreading!
> 
> As usual, the inspirations for the moms' names are:
> 
>   * Natsuki's mom was named after Kaoru Fuji from Takako Shimura's manga Love Buzz.
>   * Yuri's moms are named after Yui Yamada and Tomoka Kase from the Kase-san manga series by Hiromi Takashima.


End file.
